This morning was a rough one for me. I woke up feeling completely unmotivated and with a lack of belief in myself. I decided to write in my journal to clear my mind and hopefully gain some inspiration but oddly enough, writing only caused me to reflect more on my life which led tears minutes later. While writing, I was reminded that I hadn’t been letting myself dream lately. I have a schedule for myself and I follow it; I’m consistent in my plans and my endeavors but I’ve almost become the same robot that I was when I was working at my previous job. Forcing myself to stay on schedule and beating myself up if I don’t. Not allowing myself to steer from the agenda that I created and on days like today; I was questioning myself and my ability to make anything happen for myself. While pursuing my “dreams”, I had stopped dreaming. I stopped letting my mind wander or letting my creativity take me to weird and foreign places. I denied myself ice cream at Smyrna Village because “I have work to do”. And while it’s important to stay consistent, I was slowly killing my desire to be productive by becoming stringently boring.
While talking to my husband about my demeanor, he asked me why I had stopped dreaming, and my answer made me cry. “Because I have a baby on the way”. Before I could get the words out, I was covering my face in shame and crying like a baby. He hugged me and told me to explain. At that moment, I couldn’t find the courage to express myself. I was almost ashamed to even speak some of the thoughts that I’ve had since finding out that I was pregnant. And even now, as I write, I’m still a little ashamed; but these thoughts are my current reality and if I’m thinking them, maybe there is someone else that has wrestled or is wrestling with this reality.
My entire adult life, I’ve always had a desire for adventure. I’ve desired to travel the world, write and do those things that the average human being doesn’t do in a lifetime. After going on the Great American Service Trip, it was confirmed in me that I love to travel and I love doing the risky things in life. I love hearing about unique experiences and I could honestly spend the rest of my life hearing the stories, life struggles and triumphs of others while writing their stories for the world. Well, the issue is, in my mind, having a little girl will stifle those dreams. I won’t be able to pick up and go whenever I want. It’s hard enough to do that with a husband, but with a child, it’s even more difficult. And with the array of advice that I get daily, others make sure to let me know how drastically different my life will be once I have Brooklyn (Yes, I’m having a baby girl and her name is Brooklyn :-)) . Hell, it’s different now and she isn’t even here yet. Now, before all the mommies and realist jump on me, don’t. I know that there is a sacrifice that comes with having a baby. I know that the rewards are so great and that I’m going to love being a mom. I know that I’ll have support and that my life isn’t over; I know. But. It’s been extremely difficult for me to come to grips with what my new reality will be. I can’t help but beat myself up for wasting time during my single and childless years. What if I still desire to travel? Can I still do that? Will I be sad? Will I be fulfilled? Will I be crucified if I choose to be away from my child for a specific amount of time? I don’t know what the future holds, and I know that I sound selfish; and maybe I am. But this is my reality. I want to be the mom that loves my baby enough not to let the weight of being her mommy crush my dreams of being the role model that she needs. Do you have to choose between your dreams and your children?
While in tears, my husband prayed for me. And he comforted me. Letting me know that despite having a baby, I was still going to be the woman that God created me to be. I just have to believe in that and not let my own perceptions of new life stop me. The beautiful thing is, I have role models. Women who are still pursuing their dreams despite being called mommy. I am trying to focus on my focus and not focus on the “negative”. Yes, life will be different, but I still have control over my destiny. I still have choices. God reminded me today that I still control where my life goes. I still have control over what I want and the decisions that I make. I can still dream of the reality that I desire. There isn’t anything wrong with that. Obviously, there will be sacrifice and there will be change, but that doesn’t mean that life as I know it will suck. I can still be a dreaming mommy. We’ll see where Brooklyn takes me…