“I’m nothing more than a housewife. Cleaning and raising children will be what my life consists of for the next 20 years. I’ll commit to leisurely writing and occasional conversations encouraging others to pursue their passion.” These were the thoughts that began to creep into my mind as weeks of busyness and fatigue became my new norm. As I became comfortable with making excuses, God was conveniently there to diminish them. He admonished me by declaring that money is not my problem. Neither is time. Nor resources or talent. Fear is my problem. Fear of failure and loss. Fear of perpetuating a cycle of reneged declarations and unfulfilled desires.  A self inflicted fear was becoming a self induced reality. What I feared would happen was beginning to happen all because I began to doubt my ability to conquer. My ambition was fading and I subsequently accepted defeat. I convinced myself that maybe those dreams were too far fetched. Maybe it was easier to settle into the role of mother and wife because at least I could handle those two with a tolerable amount of sanity. It was a real place that required real attention if I was to ever make it out.
While being a mother and wife are admirable and noble titles, I know that before I was those things, I had a purpose beyond them. That purpose did not change when new titles and responsibilities were added to my life. A few days ago, my loving husband felt led to implement “family time with God”; through this I was reintroduced to one of the simpler words of the English language: Try.
Try; to attempt to do or accomplish.
God was imploring me to just try. Instantly I thought of the million times that I’ve heard “you don’t try, you either do or you don’t”. But God knows me, and knows that the phrase “just do it” paralyzes me. As an overthinking, obsessive planner, “just do it” defies all of my logistical habits. I need a plan. I need details. I need instruction and a layout. Trying, makes more sense to me. IMG_5791God encouraged me to just try to make it happen. Before I decide that it can’t be done, put effort towards actually doing it! The word try eliminated all of my excuses of why my goals could not be reached. When you sincerely put forth effort to do something, more often than not; you accomplish it. As I ponder and plan, I create a greater opportunity for execution.
Trying looks different for everyone. For me, trying means that I stay up after putting my
daughter back to sleep at 4am. It’s quiet and I’m able to get work done at that time without interruption. Trying means pushing past how I feel in the moment. When I’m tired and my body hurts, trying means that I get up anyway. Trying means reaching out to family and friends for help as opposed to declaring that I’m alone. Exhausting all my options before I decide it’s impossible.
And I’ve decided, that in order for me to acquire enough strength to try; I have to continue to visit God every single day. I need that reminder that I’m able. The reminder that I was created for this. I need that reminder that faith and works together breed life. Most of all, I need that reminder that at the end of the day, money is not my problem. Neither is time nor resources or talent. Fear is my problem. And if I can just put in my utmost effort, try and push past my feelings; I can and will be more than a housewife.
Written at 3:55am.