This past weekend became a gem in my book of life. A true turning point that I couldn’t have planned better if I had actually been the one to plan it. Friday was the annual All White Party for Fitted 4 Fridayz (which is an artist showcase in Atlanta for positive artists to display their gifts, click the link & check it out!). I’ve always been a singer, but I’ve been too fearful to sing in front of a crowd of people by myself for longer than thirty seconds. Well, back in May, I told my husband that I was going to sing a few songs at Fitted 4 Fridayz All White Party on July 26th. When the week of Fitted came, i was not only nervous, I had convinced myself to back out of the showcase because i felt unprepared and frightened to go through with it. BUT, after great deliberation and a tongue lashing from my husband, i reconsidered and decided to commit to my declaration. X (my husband) reminded me that for the time that he’s known me, I’ve often found ways to wiggle out of doing the things that I commit to. I make excuses for why I can’t complete a thing and I end up straying from what i once said that I was committed to. I decided that I didn’t want to live that life anymore. As scared as I was, I knew that this was something that I had to do for myself. My fear stemmed from the insecurity of not being good enough. I know so many amazing singers and when i compared them to myself, I deemed myself inadequate to sing on the same stage.
Eight o’clock came, and it was time for me to step on stage to share the gift that I know God has given me. I wanted the songs that I had chosen to tell my story. To speak what my spirit and heart was saying and couldn’t express for themselves. By the time i was singing my second song, i was telling myself “I’m really doing it, i’m really doing this.” And indeed i was. Baby girl was growing up to be a woman that was slowly stripping away the fear that had so rudely impinged into my mind. Covering up my courage and clouding my better judgement. But stepping on that stage, and singing with all my might broke something in my life. It broke the reality that i formerly lived in ; the one that said i wasn’t good enough. The one that said I couldn’t do it and everyone would laugh at me. In the midst of singing my new favorite song “Beautifully Made” by Leah Smith, I felt so free. I truly felt the conviction and power that are founded within those words.
“I am beautifully and wonderfully made”
As many times as I’ve heard those words, they held a new weight for me that night. From that moment on, I was intoxicated by bliss and relishing in the new reality that I had stepped into. Something about that night unlocked the box that my mind was bound in. It was more than just singing a song, it was breaking apart the foundation of my fears. Whether i sounded amazing, or sounded horrible, I had done something that I was terrified to do. I conquered a fear and that is all that mattered to me in the moment. I felt like I could do anything that I wanted to do. I felt free. I even began to notice beauty in me in places that I thought were unattractive. My eyes were truly wiped clean of the tainted filter that I had once looked through.
In freedom, I’ve discovered a new beauty.